I thought about skipping tonight’s entry, today I needed to retreat a bit. A few months ago, after a week like this, you would have had to scrape me off the floor. It’s not that anything went wrong, actually it was a pretty great week. I had a lot of fun at home with Grace and Hope. I think it was a good week for Grace too — she had a lot of big sister-baby sister time. Finally she sat still long enough to hold Hope, it struck me that maybe the reason she hasn’t expressed more interest in holding Hope is because she was always either in my arms in the rocker or on her wedge–both located in my bedroom. We spent nearly all our time in the living room this week, her territory, and she was very eager to sit near me while I fed Hope and to hold her when I was done. She will definitely start school next Monday, and I am really going to miss her — but I know she’s ready and is going to have so much fun — I’m happy for her. This will be the first time she’s been out on her own, at least at EPU I’m there in the building. But even at only two, Grace is definitely becoming her own little person with her own little plans and I’ve got to respect that and let her go out on her own a bit.
Hope has been pretty quiet the last couple of days and I’ve been having trouble getting her to eat her quota of breastmilk…we’re in the ballpark but she doesn’t seem to have much of an appetite and is sleepier than she has been lately. She was a little perkier today than yesterday, but she’s so quiet you just don’t know…is she tired? is she sick? is she teething? should I worry?
I’ve still got that knot in my back, the back of my left shoulder that is. I think I have some kind of baby-holding-related injury, it got really aggravated each time I fed Hope today. I hold her in my left arm, which is supported by my knee and feed her with my right. I think that the angle or level of my knee is different when I feed her on the couch than when I feed her in the blue chair, so the angle of my arm is different and it is stressing some muscle back there. I hope it will just adjust because right now, and last night, my entire left side from my neck to my arm is just a huge knot. I’m waiting for the naproxen to kick in.
The tough part of this week was that it was pretty saturated with Prader-Willi stuff…mostly of my own doing. I chose to start organizing a support group, I chose to spend a fair amount of time on the message boards and website, I chose to skim through the newsletter, and then there was the doctor’s appointment. I’m glad I did these things because I learned that I have at least reached the point where this level of engagement doesn’t result in a total emotional breakdown. I am still drained and sad, but I survived and now I think I’ll pull back a bit and rest. Baby steps.