Tonight is my last night at a volunteer gig that I’ve held at my church for a couple of years. I’ve been coordinating a community meal that we serve to both members of our congregation and the neighbors that live in the very low income area that surrounds our church. When it began it was an opportunity to cook every week, and I love to cook, the meal grew in popularity and has become a fruitful ministry.
After Hope was born, and especially after the Prader-Willi diagnosis, my love for cooking has become more of a burden than anything else and I began to have a lot of concern for my involvement at church being so centered around food. But mainly the weekly cooking, planning and shopping, just became a stressor that I could no longer handle and over the course of the last couple of months I’ve definitely felt an expiration date on my involvment. Finally, a month or so ago, I resigned. I said I’d give until tonight, but in truth I abidcated weeks ago. In this case, ‘abdicated’ is just a nice way of saying “flaked out.”
I’ve never been a flake before, it’s one of my redeeming qualities — I do what I say I’m going to do and I’m consistent and dependable. I’m also pretty honest about my limitations, though that honesty has been coming harder and with more delay than it used to.
I didn’t make it through much of todays activity, right now I’m hiding in the office because the commotion is just a little too much — as is the realization that has been coming for several days now that I am genuinely going to miss this place and this commotion — but also the genuine knowledge that I cannot do this anymore. I feel sad about that.