I don’t know what it is, every year around this time I am overcome by some kind of primal urge to buy sandals. I don’t understand it, I don’t really like sandals…I think they’re incomplete but fully priced shoes. It doesn’t make sense to me to spend so much money on shoes that really aren’t practical for every possible occasion like…say…running shoes (oh yeah, I’m that gay).
Anyway, for some reason as soon as springtime rears it’s pretty little head I make my annual pilgrimage to Roxanne’s Birkenstock — because I have extremely expensive taste in shoes I don’t like. Every year I go, every year I come back empty handed…because while I have extremely expensive taste in sandals, I’m not crazy — $159 for sandals?? Are you kidding me?? I could buy two really nice pairs of running shoes for that. That and they never, ever, ever, have the size, style, and color of sandals I want in stock — they always want me to order them and come back…what am I? A barbarian? That’s what Amazon.com is for. No, you get one shot…once I know my size I’m shopping online. But that never happens either.
This year however the focus of my sandal shopping obsession is (or was…no, is) Grace. For some reason though she has some kind of weird aversion to sandals. I mentioned buying her some sandals about a month ago and she had a total meltdown. We were in the parking lot at EPU, Roxanne’s is on the way home, “Hey Grace, you wanna go buy some sandals?”
“NOOOOOO MAMA!!!! NO SANDALS!!!! I DON’T WANT THEM!!!!! NO MAMA!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!”
I tried to explain, “They’re shoes Grace, new shoes!! You want new shoes right?”
“NOOOOO I NO LIKE SANDALS MAMA!!! NO MAMA, PLEASE NO SANDALS!!! NO SHOES!!!!”
No shoes!! OMG, they switched my child in the nursey, this is not my daughter.
“Grace, honey, it’s a present…I want to buy you a present. You like presents, right?”
“NOOOO I DON’T WANT PRESENT MAMA, I DON’T WANT SANDALS NOOOOOO!!!!!”
OK, whatever…freak. I let it go for the time being. Today I tried again, I figured I spoiled her rotten at Disneyland, I’m the one who found Woody and the Jesse hat. I must have some goodwill stored up….
“Hey Grace, you want to go buy sandals?”
“No. I don’t like sandals.”
“OK, would you like to go for a ride with me on an errand?”
I didn’t exactly trick her or lie to her, I just figured that once she walked in to the store full of expensive sandals — if she is, in fact, my child — she’ll want some. I mean, they are new shoes for pete’s sake…it’s in her blood. (In all fairness to Grace, she is definitely my child — we went shoe shopping while we waited for her haircut last month, just to kill time and she spotted these little beauties out of the hundreds of pairs of shoes in Famous Footwear grabbed them and declared, “I want these shoes mama, OK?” I was so proud, I almost cried.)
So we get into the store, she’s apprehensive for ten seconds and then starts trying on everything in the place — except the sandals….Crocs mainly. We’re not buying real Crocs, the fake Target ones are $7.99 regular price, she can have every color of those she wants. No, I’ve got my eye on toddler Birkenstocks because I think they’re adorable and her cute, little Fred Flinstone-feet were just made for them. She warms up to the idea, aided by the attention of the salesgirl. As usual they don’t have the size, style, or color I want but she does find a pair of blue with daisies that are pretty cute and Grace says are “bootafull.” I’m not really sold on them so I ask for her to try on one other pair.
Apparently there was some kind of sandal-trying-on-limit and I crossed it. Now we’re back to “all sandals suck” and Grace runs and hides in the storeroom.
I tried guilting her into letting me buy her the bootafull sandals with the flowers.
It wouldn’t do any good to buy them against her will, if I pulled them out six months from now she’d remember everything and refuse to wear them. So we left, empty handed. I tried.
She fell asleep on the way home, Tammy laughed at me when we walked in empty handed. Then, I saw her…..
Hope…bouncing barefoot in her jumperoo.
Sea Wees, size 1 in pink.
Somebody’s getting sandals today, damnit.